Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet

Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it