This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
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Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big