This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
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[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
“no gods no masters” = leo
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.