This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
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Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!