This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
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You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
My dad.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo