Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

Saturday

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*

*fixes the ice cream machine*

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.