This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
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Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
me and my fake scenarios