this sign has the same social anxiety i have
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I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Every damn time
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.