this sign has the same social anxiety i have
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[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Posting this on behalf of a friend
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer