this sign has the same social anxiety i have
You Might Also Like
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!