Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5

all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa