THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
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China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted