THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 馃槉馃槉馃槉
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Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
can鈥檛 get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
GUY: I think I鈥檓 done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I鈥橫 SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn鈥檛 like cheese anymore
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
What鈥檚 fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Her: I鈥檒l bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]