THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
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[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…