THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
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ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*