THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
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promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.