Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.

The government even made aliens boring

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”

#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

“I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride

I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?