Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

[spelling bee]

Your word: Spelunking

“U-N-K-I-N-G”

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.

Girl wake up, you’re drunk

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.

Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”

i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”