This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
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[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
time machine? you mean a clock?
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Good for him.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company