This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
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“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.