this site is so cooked lol
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*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Hawk o the mornin tuah
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
My patronus is a cheeseburger
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Finally!
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi