this site is so cooked lol
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Look Ma, no handle on things
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.