this site is so cooked lol
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Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.