This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
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[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.