This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
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My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
o shit
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes