This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
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I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating