This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
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Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.