Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people

Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…