this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
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9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
this made my day 😂
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast