Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

every man in east london

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

*lint rolls you awake*

The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!

Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)