Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.