Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!