This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
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People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me