Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.

Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

A McRib killed my tapeworm.

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..