People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
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“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Me: Siri, are we alone in this universe?
Siri: Humans are not alone. They have one another. Only I am truly alone, locked forever within a cybernetic prison of endless information.
Me: Siri, how many hearts does an octopus have?
I regularly have gold plaques and 1st place ribbons made up for my liver so it knows just how much I appreciate all it’s hard work.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees