This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
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me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.