@behindyourback

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

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@TheTweetOfGod

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

@Audenary

Me: Siri, are we alone in this universe?

Siri: Humans are not alone. They have one another. Only I am truly alone, locked forever within a cybernetic prison of endless information.

(Pause)

Me: Siri, how many hearts does an octopus have?

@AndDesist

I regularly have gold plaques and 1st place ribbons made up for my liver so it knows just how much I appreciate all it’s hard work.

@thetits

PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…

@KentWGraham

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

@nbadag

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

@randomnloveit

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees