“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
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Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be