“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
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wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.