“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
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Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
