Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

…

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

Become ungovernable.

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems

Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.

Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that