This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
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My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand