“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
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Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Here’s a meme
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE