“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
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NOT all policemen are strippers.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang