“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
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Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…