Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.

I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

North and South

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

website: do you accept cookies?

me: into my heart as my Lord and savior

1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer

1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

I have a black belt in leather