Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.

i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

[1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

monday

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat