This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
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me refusing to leave twitter
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Support your local cemetery
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up