This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
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The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.