This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
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F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I have never related to a cat more
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
The opposite of goth is stopth.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.