This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
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DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I never needed anything more in my life
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?