Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?

In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

Just how popey was the pope today?

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”