Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.

It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

🤣🤣

Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

Me: I love the 90s!

Grandparents: we have names

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”

Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!

Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*

B Boys: not like that

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…

Me: I have a weekend immune system.

This pepper has seen some $h1t.

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.