This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
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No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space![]()
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If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
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today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️