this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
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smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.