This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
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me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
the only bumper sticker ill allow
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
