This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
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Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
The human personality is made of five key elements
I’ll be mad as hell!
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
My daughter was invited to a birthday party. We showed up, & the people who hosted the party weren’t even there. They cancelled the party, but didn’t notify anyone, so we all went back home. Hours later I text the family, “what time should I pick up my daughter from the party?”
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.