This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
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I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”