“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
You Might Also Like
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
If I ignore life will it go away?