“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
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A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Teamwork makes the dream work.
