“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
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Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
So many pants.
So little yoga.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them