This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
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Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Roses are red
Violets are blue
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds