Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.

“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”

After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

this is the best day of my life

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

Me: I’m so emotional today

8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno