This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
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“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
…u ok Nintendo?
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.