This story is comedy gold 😂
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I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Worth a try
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles