This story is comedy gold 😂
You Might Also Like
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
dude it’s called proctologist
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
When Dr. Pimple Popper squeezed people’s pimples for fun, they thanked her and gave her a tv show… but when I do it, I’m “violating boundaries” and “committing simple assault”, and “not a dermatologist”.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Guy: I like you.
Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
What do you call it when a zoo paints common animals to look like more exotic species?
Fake Gnus