This story is comedy gold 😂
You Might Also Like
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
so, is there a mister shapen head
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”