This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
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Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
“The Perfect Relationship”
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.