This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
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I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.
me: ask them who their CEO is
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
Never forget.
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.