Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.

boss: you’re fired

me: [pausing tiktok] why

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

My wife says the kids look just like their father…

…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do

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