This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
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I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.