This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
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“what’s it like having a sister?”
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.