This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
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My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
is this store having a stroke wtf
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I wish I could veto my bills.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.