Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

With this onion ring, I thee fed

I saw this ending much differently.

Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.