Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.

I have a black belt in leather

obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”

– My current favorite child

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.