This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
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“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Stop sending me this shit.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
#KarenAndTheCat 😉