Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*

I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

Date: These lamb chops are great

Me: They’re missing something

Date: Like what?

Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

#milo

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.