This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.