this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
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Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
water it, i dare you
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics