this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
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Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
🤣✨#caturday
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
quarantine day 3
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school