This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
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Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
what are they serving at kfc then???
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks