This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
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Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”