This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.
*youngest comes home from school with the flu*
Me: Not like that.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I occasionally drink every single night.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
