This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
You Might Also Like
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Why am I like this?
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?