This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
